about us
Jennifer
Hi, I am Jen. I am 34 years old. I am also a Mother of three. Yes, I don't fit the typical stereotype of an eating disordered individual. Perhaps because I have been battling this disease the majority of my life and we do learn how to hide. Unfortunately, lies and hiding are often part of this whole debacle.
Anyhow, I have pretty much run through the gambit of eating disorders. I have been through severe anorexia to the point of hospitalization. I have been through bulimia. I have been through compulsive over- eating. I am currently diagnosed as EDNOS. I struggle with heavy restriction cycles followed by huge binge and purge cycles. Please note that this is not the definition of EDNOS or the standard for anyone struggling with EDNOS. It is simply my current experience. I have great trouble maintaining control over my eating as it is a way that I deal with my emotions and my struggles with life. I have gotten "help".
I have seen Doctors, nurses and therapists. While a lot of this has not worked for me, I still believe in a future of recovery.. One where I feel free of my body image and can instead focus more upon the beauty within. I hope for recovery and to heal to a place of acceptance of my body and a place where I can finally become comfortable in my own skin. I wish this for every single individual who is struggling the way that I do. You are never alone!
Stefanie
My name is Stefanie and I am 33 years old.
I have been diagnosed with Anorexia nervosa, then went through Bulimia Nervosa which eventually lead to EDNOS.
My eating disorder started when I was ten. I always had issues with my body. I never felt in control of it. My weight at age ten was about 70 pounds. My high weight came in high school when I got up to 90 pounds. I was not happy with that so I started to exercise and I started skipping meals at school. I spent many years like this. As time went by, the AN started to develop into EDNOS. I had just had my first child and was still at a size zero afterward. However, after I had my second child, I gained a lot of weight. I would binge so much that I was eating almost 24 hours a day and I would get up at night to eat, in addition to the meals.
I shed a lot of tears during this time as I was punishing myself with food. I was in a bad marriage and I was losing control of myself and my life. I went from under 100 pounds to 197 pounds. Finally, I started to take a look at my surroundings and the fact that I needed to take control of my life. I made plans to leave my abusive husband and with that, the AN came back. I started losing a lot of weight and doing unhealthy things. I did not get any info on ED's from the television, from magazines or from any kind of media. I only learned about ED's in the media and on the internet, when I was older and sought out help. I finally learned that my disorder had a name and I learned about other eating disorders. I eventually left my husband and tried to put myself back together.
Some time went by as the ED was sort of sleeping inside of me. I met my current partner and we started a family together. My first pregnancy was very difficult as I was having blood pressure problems. Some time went by and then I had my last child. That is when the EDNOS hit me so hard. I was unable to control my eating again. I stopped weighing myself as clothes were getting tighter and I worried everyday that I was going to get back to my high weight. I did not. Balancing my kids and life and starting over again with two babies hit me hard.. It was in 2004 that the AN came back with a vengeance. I stopped eating and started exercising and lost 40 pounds in a little over a month. I had no support what so ever. I tried talking to family, but they did not care nor understand even though I am quite certain that I have a couple of relatives with eating disorders. In 2005, I got online to seek support and understanding. At the time, my hair was falling out and my nails were breaking. I was all alone. I started to injure myself and could not understand why it was so hard to get a shoulder to lean on. That is when I found Cerulean Butterfly. They understood what was happening to me as they were going through it themselves. They did not judge me, they understood and loved me.
I was on Cerulean Butterfly for a couple of months before becoming Staff. CB was coming under a lot heat due to a Time magazine article and an interview that was done prior to my arrival. When CBS offered me a chance to correct the issue I decided to take it. The reporters and camera people were very understanding. The camera man told me he understood my pain as he had a niece in college with AN and told me to hang in there and that things would get better. I knew he was just trying to be nice so I listened and nodded. Melinda did her interview and we took some pictures. I thought that finally, Cerulean Butterfly would be heard! Well that is not exactly how the media construed things. I was slapped with a name, "Pro-Ana". That was not why I did the interview nor was I told that they would take clips from other sites that were actually Pro anorexia. I still felt some vindication as some people saw past the media. Some people saw how much pain we are in and how we did not enjoy outside people bothering and harassing our site.
About a year went by and I decided that I had to try to recover so I left CB shortly. I did return and things were a little different but it was still CB and I felt at home. CB has been through so much but we have been through it together. We have come out stronger despite the anger and the ugliness people had shown toward our home. Jen and I now have the chance to make this site current for our members. We as a team will continue to be here for the Butterflies and will help out as much as we can. It has been a pleasure working with Jen as she is like my Sister now. The picture shown is of me and Melinda Murphy of CBS. You can see the story here:
Click Please: CBS.
Stefanie